i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
