You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
