Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
