I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
the raccoons are back...
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