That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
