well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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