fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
