I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
