no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
