No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
