I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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