Who wears a wallet chain?!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
