Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
