I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
