Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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