Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
