Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
God, I missed his penis.
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