How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
