Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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