During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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