She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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