you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
