I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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