we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
