My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
