Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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