Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
