I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
