Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
operation have a gay friend backfired
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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