i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
