Jerry, you need to find god
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
