More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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