Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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