I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
false alarm. still invincible.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Pants are for mortals
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
