Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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