I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
