Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
