i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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