Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
