There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
