Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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