I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
