I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
