He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
