the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
