I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
and she was petting her beer can
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
