another moral hangover. fuck.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
