had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
