It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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