I think I am morally bankrupt
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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